You Have Two Selves - But, How Do You Live as Your Best Self?
The blank screen had refused to cover itself with words for a long, long time. Even though I stared at it very hard, I couldn’t find a better way to say what my mentor Gene Early had said:
“Our essential self is the true, unchanging essence of who we are, our unique design, untouched by self-limiting beliefs, unhelpful internal dialogue, or external expectations. Unlike a goal to be achieved, the essential self is not a future ideal. It is an inherent wholeness, existing right now beneath the roles, beliefs, and behavioural patterns we’ve adopted.
It is expressed through our core identities
It guides us toward our best self-behaviour
It reveals the truth of who we’ve always been and are capable of becoming.”
The search for my essential self has been a constant quest that has bamboozled me ever since I discovered I have two selves. I prefer the term 'Natural Self' because it is the way nature intended me to be, but I still can’t clearly identify this aspect of myself.
I have a passionate craving to be what nature designed me to be, because I see that as the only honest and meaningful way to live. I view it as the path to feeling happy and fulfilled.
Before I started on this journey, I had noticed that, on occasion, parts of my true self would emerge. Sometimes something I do feels right, and I realise that it has been driven by a deep-rooted value or belief. But soon my ego reasserts itself, and the feeling of rightness is overwhelmed by some externally driven need or desire.
As my ego asserts itself, the feeling of being me becomes submerged beneath the need to feel important or safe. With this new need, other feelings of uncertainty and anxiety arise, and I ask myself, “Am I worthy of being important?” Then, confusion addles my brain.
The constant question is, “How can I identify the true, unchanging essence of who I am?” It must always have been inside my being, but where is it?
Over time, I have learned to search my backstory. I’ve examined the way I was in the earliest days of my life. As a small child, I was curious, keen to experiment, to learn, adventurous, playful, energetic, caring, loving, and independent.
So, what happened?
Adults moulded me with ideas and beliefs they thought were right to make me a good member of the society they had created. Most of their beliefs and disciplines were good, but I didn't fit all of them.
Education crucified me. I do not learn the way they wanted me to learn. So I kept failing their exams, and the failure made me feel inadequate, excluded, and drove me inward. I learned by reading, and since reading is an insular activity, I became a loner.
My Natural Self should have been my salvation, but I needed to survive; I needed other people. So I constructed an identity that allowed me to be a part of society. But it mostly felt inauthentic and untruthful. It was like clothes that don’t properly fit.
How I Found My Natural Self
I have to confess that I have not yet managed to identify all the parts of my Natural Self. Some of it is elusive; traits, values, and beliefs are jumbled up with my Constructed Self like laundry in a washing machine. It might take more than one lifetime to untangle them.
However, through a process of constantly being present, I have come to understand that my Natural Self is the core of my being, my fundamental identity. It is the driver of the most natural roles I play, as well as my expectations. It decides what externals I should allow to influence me. It’s the vault that contains my deepest values, aspirations, beliefs, and innate wisdom.
In my efforts to find and live as my Natural Self I have found it valuable to switch off my thinking mind and pay attention to what happens - to notice when my actions feel right (Natural Self) and when they cause me discomfort (Constructed Self) - and cultivate a sense of when I feel all is right in my world and be aware of what makes it that way.
Daily meditation and regular mindfulness have been my main tools for self-discovery. These disciplines, when they’re working, enable me to be aware of my thoughts, feelings, and influences from moment to moment throughout each day of my life.
There is no easy way to become constantly mindful. It is a discipline and, like all disciplines, it requires rigour, determination, practice, and time.
Being increasingly mindful is, for me, a long and uphill battle. A battle I do not expect to end in complete victory. However, each small step leads to a definite and noticeable improvement in my sense of living as my Natural Self. This way of living gives me a sense that my life has meaning.
The Value of Finding Your Natural Self
Each little discovery of my Natural Self has felt uplifting. Like I have found a safe and happy haven after a long and arduous journey on an emotionally choppy sea.
Unfortunately, the uplifting feeling is never permanent. It comes and goes. However, the more mindful I am, the more embedded it becomes, and the longer the feeling lasts.
I have also noticed that other people react to me in more friendly and inclusive ways when I am my Natural Self. This, of course, helps me feel more confident.
My thinking has also changed. I have become more thoughtful and caring because I am less self-centred. I also think more deeply. My desire to know and to support what I say with proven facts has increased.
My intuition has become louder, and I trust its guidance to the extent that I now often act upon it with complete faith.
No, I have not become a saint. Sudden spikes of bad temper, frustration, or negativity still blight my life. Emotionally charged spite occasionally gushes out of my mouth before I can stop the pain I willfully cause. I feel shame and remorse later.
So, what does this mean for you? How can it help you to know what has happened to me?
My goal has been to demonstrate what’s possible and how I've achieved greater peace, happiness, and meaning in my life. Not perfect, but the right direction.
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How You Could Raise Your Life to a Higher Level
We each have to learn our own way to survive and thrive. Life is something of a lottery of choices. Even identical twins, raised in the same home, can develop distinct strategies for survival. They can perceive different threats and be influenced in different ways by personalities or events.
As you grew up, you learned from what other people taught you and by the way you reacted to your environment. As you learned and adapted, you developed effective strategies for coping with life's challenges. It was from this learning that you developed your Constructed Self.
There are now two versions of you, your Natural Self and your Constructed Self. Your Constructed Self contains a lot of your Natural Self, but it can override your Natural Self and cause you to do things that you later regret when those actions trigger feelings of discomfort within your Natural Self.
You could say that when you feel uncomfortable, depressed, or frustrated, it is often because you have done something or are not behaving in accordance with your fundamental identity, your Natural Self.
To become more in tune with your Natural Self, you need to turn down the volume of the voice of your Constructed Self, reducing its influence on your thinking and behaviour.
This means spending more time with your Natural Self. You can achieve this by developing a daily meditation practice and being more mindful of which of your two selves is directing your thoughts and feelings.
I will write more about developing your mindfulness in my next story.
For now, start to get to know your Natural Self. You’re on the road to unceasing best self behaviour, finding greater happiness, and achieving more of what you want.